Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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