She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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