nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
