I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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