Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
