All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
