I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
