You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
