She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
