This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
