I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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