If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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