Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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