I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
