Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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