last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
