this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
