I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
