There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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