Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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