ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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