Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
