I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
