glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
