good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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