No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
