I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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