I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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