Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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