she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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