Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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