Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in