Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?