you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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