When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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