you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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