I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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