Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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