The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
