remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
