My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
