Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mom said you looked used
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
