totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
