I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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