finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
