god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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