my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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