if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
