Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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