I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
