i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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