If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
