in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think my moral compass just broke
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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