Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
