I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
