i think my mom watched the whole time
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
