The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
