This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
