Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
