So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
