I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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